Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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