saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
