you traded sex for a burrito?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
