if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
