Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
