Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
