He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
