Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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