then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Vodka?
Forever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
