Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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