The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
