people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
