I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
