you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
