I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
