Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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