i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
