oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i think i just lost a toe