Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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