Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
