thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.