I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
