i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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