I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
