dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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