I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize