How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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