Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
