I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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