Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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