i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
