Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone shit on the floor
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
