That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
