When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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