I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
