The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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