I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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