Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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