you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
