Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
