Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
