Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
