she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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