if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
