Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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