Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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