I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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