not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
