It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize