Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
