sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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