dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
