Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
