It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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