How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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