matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
