If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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