He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
