if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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